How to put princess on your head

In case you were wondering how I transform from a (not at all) normal human into a magical princess person: 

Step 1: put bald cap on head.  Do best thumb impression in mirror

Bald cap.JPG

Step 2: Apply tangled AF blondeness to your head.  Become confused about identity as a human.

Step 3: Pin back the middle hair section as flat as possible.  Curse the amount of time you spend wig styling and wonder why you didn't just go to medical school like your parents wanted.

Step 4: Take a break to practice chins.  

Step 5:  You have previously constructed a hair hotdog.  It is made out of foam, weave, hot glue, and frustration.  (Basically you cut one of those spongy bun-shaper things and stretch it open, wrap it in hair and hot glue in place.  Don't ask me how. I did a shitty job.  You'll figure it out.) Bobby pin this fucker to your head.

Step 6: remember the middle hair bit we pinned back?  take the ends of that and wrap around the hairy hotdog on your head.  I suggest splitting it in two and doing one on each side.  Over time these will start to tangle into dreads and make your job easier.  And uglier.

Step 7:  Now take all the rest of the hair except the two little pieces right by your face.  Pull back into a low ponytail, making sure to uncomfortably smush ears as much as possible under the hair.  This is important.  Princesses don't have ears. 

Step 8:  This is the hard part:  Take that low ponytail and twist it up into a tight, angry french twist-type thing.  Flop ends over the hairy hotdog and pin into place.

Step 9:  One at a time, take the last two in-your-face bits and pin them back.  The right piece will go to the left side of the twist, and the left side will go to the right side of the twist. This helps further hide the fact that you have lots of dark brown hair and look nothing like Cinderella. 

Congratulations!  Now you are ready for bangs!  Take a moment to stretch your tongue. 

You have previously constructed bangs out of more foam, more hair, and significantly more frustration.  (make another, smaller hairy hotdog.  Glue weft of blond hair extensions to inside of headband. Wrap around hotdog and secure with more hot glue.  This part is the worst. I have no more advice. I tried to recreate it and failed.  Clearly I don't even know what I did here.)  

Side note:  These are called Bumper Bangs.  You can look them up on the internet.  The internet is great because there are people there who are much better at hair things than I am. 

Step 10: Put headband/bangs on head. Curse the fact that you originally misjudged the width of hair and now have two extra dangly bits to fight with every time you wear this shit.  Contemplate cutting them off. Neglect to do so for entire year. 

put on bangs.JPG

Step 11:  Pin back the unnecessary bits using a completely absurd number of bobby pins.  Curse Disney animators for creating such unattainable hair ideas. 

Don't forget your lips!  You're a fuckin lady, after all. 

Make sure to put on your best princess face.  Now you're ready to go! 

 

You can also watch this infinitely more useful tutorial by someone who is actually Cinderella. But I'd still recommend permanently styling bangs to a headband. Saves time and headache, if you can manage to get a good shape the first time.